Look who's turning 28 today! My sweet, funny, hard-working husband...
This isn't the only milestone we're celebrating around here lately - as of July 1, Peter officially became a third-year resident, which means two years complete, three to go! It's exciting to be making progress through this stage in the becoming-a-doctor process, and I'm so proud of his hard work and smarts (though I still can't
quite wrap my mind around the fact that he now actually spends his days operating on people). It's especially exciting to be moving on to the third year because the hours will start improving - within a few months he'll be down to about one weekend per month instead of three and will have no more of the dreaded Saturday (28+ hour) call shifts after Thanksgiving. We are both seriously looking forward to this.
Erica recently posted a great advice/survival guide on "
So Your Spouse Is Going to Grad School," and after being married through medical school and two years of residency, I absolutely agree with all of her points: (1)
it will end: this stage isn't forever, and soon enough you'll be wondering where the years have gone; (2)
carpe diem: don't just put your life on hold because of the busy study schedule or the mounting student loans; enjoy the now, invest in where you live, and make the most of every stage in life; (3)
support study time: it is your spouse's job to study, after all, and it will all pay off eventually; (4)
pitch a fit: when there are times you feel low on the priority list, say something (realizing he would rather spend time with you than have to study!); carve out a little together time when you need it, even if it's just sharing a table at the coffee shop while he reads; (5)
do your own thing: enjoy developing your own hobbies and interests, be independent, and (if still pre-kids) revel in setting your own agenda.
After the last couple of years though, I also have a few key pieces of advice to add when it comes to residency:
not noted below but learned quickly: residents have the ability to fall asleep anywhere | we have so many scrubs around here they end up on our dog
1.
Clear a space in your wardrobe - because you're quickly going to accumulate an entire drawer's worth of scrubs. I'm pretty sure the residents are allowed to have only one or two sets out at a time, but Peter's got four or five from
both of the hospitals he works at.
2.
Manage expectations - there are things I truly love and enjoy about this stage in our lives (finally having dual incomes + a bevy of restaurants to try in a new city = awesome, for starters!), and living through residency as a spouse really is not
that bad, partly because it's your life, and you just do it. But my view of the whole thing has probably been helped by going in with low expectations. That might sound really negative, but it's made me all-around happier. When he started residency, I expected to never see Peter, so it was just a huge bonus when he immediately had that first 4th of July weekend off. I expected to be sleeping alone a lot of nights, which does happen sometimes, but in reality we go to bed at the same time almost every night, which I think is great (and almost never happened during medical school). It's all in your perspective.
2b.
Avoid disappointment - along those lines, though, it is a demanding schedule, and a resident's time really is not his own. Unfortunately he doesn't get to leave the hospital just because it's 7pm and he's been there 14 hours and it's your birthday, and it helps to remember that and plan accordingly - set your birthday celebration for a day he has off and avoid the disappointment altogether. This type of expectation setting has saved me some feeling sorry for myself. (Also, avoid "I'll be leaving the hospital soon" conversations; instead opt to receive an "I'm walking to the car" notification at the end of the day, which tends to work out much better for your dinnertime expectations...)
3.
Find a community - starting residency usually involves moving to a brand new city, and that's an even harder transition when you have a spouse who spends most of his/her time at the hospital. So find yourself a good community for support. It took me a little while to develop this, but one place to start is if the residency program/hospital has a group for spouses - I joined the
Resident Spouse Association here, and it's a great way to meet people who know exactly what you're going through.
4.
Develop a strong stomach - after four years of medical school I'd already learned pretty well to stomach hearing stories of blood and guts and needles at the dinner table, a necessary skill during residency too. But then a new sources of queasiness: iPhone photos of various ("cool") things Peter has stitched up that occasionally pop up when I open iPhoto on our computer. Blech. (Note that I have kindly spared you these amongst my sample photos...)
5.
Use vacation time well - this was some of the best pre-residency advice we received. Even though you're going to have all kinds of student loans and to think about, use vacation weeks to get away and reconnect. It also helps both of you during a particularly tough stretch to have something to look forward to. Go somewhere relaxing. Catch up on each other (and sleep).
Here's an example of a getaway... Reconnect | Relax
Bottom line my encouragement is that it can be tough at times, but still life is good. Have fun. Enjoy each stage in life. Whine about it when you need to, but don't work too hard on wishing time away, because it's way too good at flying by on its own.
